guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
