I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
