I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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