I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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