Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
