Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
