mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
