Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
