I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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