The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
