I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
