Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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