I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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