im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize