When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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