in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
