I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
