to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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