i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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