Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
