You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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