I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
