I bet he comes in French.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
