I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
he thought i was a dude.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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