We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize