I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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