Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
