I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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