I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
