She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
