All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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