I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
