I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I did not marry a roomba.
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