I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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