I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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