she sounds like chewbacca in bed
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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