then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
