I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
