Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
