i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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