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just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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