good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
