i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
