i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize