And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
