I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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