You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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