it was like his penis was on wheels.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
