My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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