You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
