a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
