i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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