If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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