I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
