it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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