The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
