I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
