Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
