When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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