Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
