Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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