I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize