I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
