Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
