In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
