I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
